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    Main | Call to Action - April 8, 2013 »
    Saturday
    Aug092014

    The Worst Hotel in America?

    A news story went viral about the Union Street Guest House in Hudson, NY. It is alleged that they will charge a wedding party $500 for each negative review posted by any of their guests. Many were outraged by this story and took it as a creative writing challenge to post the wildest fictional negative reviews that they could imagine. Soon, hundreds of negative reviews were posted on Yelp. They were all deleted, but don’t despair. Here are some of them for your amusement:

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    Everything here is old and quirky… In a bad way. The curtains smell like a combination of body odor and cigarette smoke and the carpet made my feet feel greasy. Yes, greasy… Like that film you feel on your hands after petting a long haired dog that needs a bath…. Oh, and the furniture looks like something you would pull out of Grandma’s basement. (It was in the basement because even Grandma recognized how dated and haggard it looked in the living room) Should we talk about the scent? Imagine something along the lines of ‘Creepy Uncle Dave’s’ overly-pungent cologne. Boom. Smacks you in the face when you walk in. Oh, and all of your clothes will smell like it when you leave. At least you will save on your own perfume/cologne costs?

    It is nothing like the Marriott-esque ambiance described in their brochure. So misleading… I can’t even…

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    Wow?  I don’t get what all the hubbub is about.  Stayed there a while back for the Lebowitz/O’Shaughnessy nuptials and boy oh boy did me and Missus have ourselves one hum dinger of a swell time!  Can you believe they have both hot AND cold water coming straight out of a spigot right inside the indoor outhouse?  Yessiree Bob they also got themselves a little old shiny white turd catcher with a big ole’ roll of note paper so you can write a letter home while you’re going dookey.  Whodathunk.  I tell you we never got tired of having some of that interweb either, sure made it easy to find me some special “friends” for me & the little lady to cozy on up with in that little cement pond with the all the bubbles out back.

    Well I tell you, once we get all twelve of the little rug rats through 6th grade we are gonna pack the whole kit & kaboodle up and head upstate for a real nice vaykayshun back at the old USGH!

    YEEEEEE HAAAAA!  We goin to have one hulluva partay!

    Or you could just send us $500 to stay at home.

    ======================================================

    Attended the JONES Wedding last month and did not enjoy this place, nor the horrible woman who was the bride and will break your heart and then end up marrying a true douchepirate and then, like, invite a lot of “friends” that were totally your friends first and then you have to see them all talking about the wedding on facebook and such.

    I thought about cancelling but didn’t since you have to provide 61 days notice via registered telegram and even then they charge you $35.

    So, yes, the JONES wedding revealed to me how terrible this place was.

    And the floors made my feet smell like feet.

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    What an awful experience. Where do I even start?

    This place literally smells. There was an upper decker left in my rooms toilet. The terrible stench of rotting meat in the atrium got worse throughout the night and eventually made it up the stairs, to my room, and was strong enough to overpower the lingering oder left from the upper decker.

    The food sucked.  Most of it is microwaved I imagine.
    Their sheets gave me crabs and the manager muttered something anti-Semitic as I walked by.

    The icing on the cake is when I learned that a bad review here would earn me a $500 fine.  I had to use a friends account to write my honest review and avoid the fine.

    I do not recommend.

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    Absolutely terrible. I was asked not to wear my spiderman costume around the lobby while asking them to pull my finger and squirting them with my silly string webbing.
    They also frowned upon me using the shower and getting some shut eye…. Just because it wasnt “my room”. Plus what was that family complaining about? I dried myself off before getting into the bed.
    The awful experience was topped off when the waiter refused to serve me my beer with the twisty straw that i requested. What kind of place doesnt have twisty straws? That was the end of it for me. I promptly stood up from the table, instantly reminded that i had tucked the table cloth into my pants as a kind of napkin and walked out dragging most of the table with me. Ill never go back.

    ======================================================

    I stayed here once. I sat in the wooden chair in the corner of the room and it broke.

    The owner told me I have a big butt and that’s why it broke.

    I cried and left. He called me later and told me he was going to charge me $250 for crying and $300 for having a big butt.

    I slammed the phone down in anger. When I received the bill…I got an extra $150 charge for slamming my phone down….and another charge for having to add another charge…..

    I’ll stay here again.

    ======================================================

    There was a turd neatly made up under the covers in my bed. When I complained, I was told that turds under bed sheets were in vogue right now, and I “just didn’t get it”. Needless to say, the wedding was ruined. :)

    Remember, businesses can’t pay to alter reviews? And yet, this one gets away with penalizing anyone who dares give one. I suppose bullying tactics are easier than just trying to make sure your guests have a pleasant experience.

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    Some guy shaved his pubes and threw all the hair out the window, it then got into the ducts and was fed back into the air conditioning. The hair went straight into the kitchen and fell ALL OVER THE WEDDING CAKE!!! It had to be thrown into the dumpster. All the While some guy called Stifler was trying to behave al preppy and nice to score with a really hot chick but at the end could not make it since it fed the wedding rings to a dog…

    In the end it all came together somewhat nicely, but the property management really did not respond in time and was basically absent and not willing to take care of things.

    Crap, utter crap. Where do I start?

    On the internet there has been some hubbub about this place and some ridiculous policy they have, but guess what? Their outrage is well placed.

    Money seems to be the only thing they care about. Frankly, after my stay, I’m surprised that they only threatened with a $500 penalty.

    Eek, they have cheap, worn out beds, dingy lighting, all things you look for in an Eli Roth film, but not in an actual place for lodging.

    Although the service is not terrible per se, the atmosphere made the demure attitude of the guy at the desk seem like I was staying in one of the Hostel movies.

    This place may have changed since I stayed here a couple of months back, but I doubt it.

    Marrying here? The people who thought that was a good idea must have been on a good amount of acid, either that or the owner is pretty awesome at mind control.

    E is for everyone that seems to think that y’all have terrible business practices, I am one of them.

    Bros, you seriously had this coming.

    ======================================================

    I didn’t plan on staying at this seemingly charming B&B but I was in Hudson, NY for business when my rental car broke down mere blocks from them. After I was done cursing the overall build quality of my Kia Soul I called the Union Street Guest House to ask if they had any vacancies. An older gentleman, who can best be described as sounding “grizzled”, answered the phone. “Union Street Guest House. F#%k do you want?!” asked the man. Caught off guard by his odd greeting I stammered, “Oh ummmm hi! I was wondering if you had any rooms available for the night.” There was a slight pause as I heard the innkeeper take a huge drag from a cigarette and eat some kind of food very loudly. “Yeah we got rooms available! Ever since this Yelp bull$hit started happening nobody wants to stay here! Damn hippies!” I didnt know what he meant by “yelp bull$hit” but as long as this place had four walls and a ceiling I was content. Plus it was getting dark and I needed a room so, against my better judgement, I booked the reservation.

    When I arrived the place looked just like any other B&B you’d find in upstate New York. So far so good. Little did I know my nightmare was about to begin. As I opened the front door to the Union Street Guest House I saw a distraught bride bawling hysterically. Makeup smudged, wedding dress disheveled, just a complete mess. The groom was in a heated arguement with the innkeeper who was chain smoking Marlboro reds and eating KFC. I could tell by his voice this was the man I spoke to on the phone. “I don’t give a $hit if it is your wedding night pretty boy! You owe me $500!” said the innkeeper. The groom exploded, “That’s preposterous! You’re fining me $500 because my friend gave you guys a bad review on yelp?! On what f#%king planet do you think that’s even remotely acceptable?!” The innkeepers eyes went wide as saucers, “HEY! I make the f#%kin’ rules around here you got it?!” He then violently bit into the last piece of meat on his chicken leg and began poking the grooms chest with his chicken bone as he spoke, “So if I want to be the worlds biggest prick and arbitrarily charge people $500 for making negative yelp reviews instead of working on our overall business model, which should include better customer service, I will!!!” The groom then started begging with the innkeeper saying they needed the money for their honeymoon. He was quick to dismiss them, “Not my problem slick. Now shut your cock holster up cause I got paying customers!” He shot me a glance and said, “Can I help you?”

    At this point in the story I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. The way I saw things I had two choices: spend the night in my Kia Soul or spend the night at the Union Street Guest House. Sure the Kia was surprisingly roomy and those hampsters always look like they’re having so much fun in the car commercials, but I had a hot $hit in the chamber and needed to “take the Browns to the Superbowl” if you catch my drift. After a brief moment I inhaled and said, “yes I called you about 20 minutes ago. I reserved a room.” After the innkeeper shoed the wedding party out of the lobby he opened up an old dusty book that said “reservations” on it. “Oh right, here we are. One room, that’ll be $150. The wifi is complementary.” Suddenly his tone and demeanor changed from bad to worse. He narrowed his eyes and in the creepiest voice ever said “but whatever you do…..don’t go on yelp.com” Doing my best to not look like the scardest guy on the planet I said, “Oh yeah sure. Ummm no problem. Just probably gonna do some emails and stuff. Maybe look at some cat videos on YouTube.” The innkeeper slowly, and sensually, licked the chicken grease off each and every fingertip. As he did so we were locked in this weird homoerotic staredown, neither man wanting to look away for fear of being perceived as less than alpha. “Here’s your key! Room five down the hall.” I grabbed my key and got the hell out of there.

    The room itself was actually pretty nice. It can best be described as comfy. After “dropping the bass” in the bathroom I wanted to surf the net and find out more about this places $500 negative review policy. As soon as I typed in “yelp.com” and hit enter I heard a very loud “GOD DAMMIT!!!” come from upstairs. Suddenly it was as if the house came alive! Every move this person upstairs was making illicited a different creek or sound from the wooden floors. It was at this point I realized the person was coming downstairs! Was it the innkeeper?! Was he monitoring my Internet activity?! Isn’t that illegal?! All my questions were answered when he kicked in my door, buck naked, holding nothing but a bottle of lube and a copy of Highlights Magazine. “What did I tell you about going on that yelp site boy?!?! Now I’m gonna have to teach you a lesson!”

    After he was done having his way with me I still managed to get a few hours of sleep. One good thing about this place is the memory foam pillows! They were sooooo comfortable!

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    I stayed there once, last year. The place smelled like old, wet diapers, mixed with Indian food and Michelle Obama’s butt after a night of rump riding from POTUS. There was a ghost in my room his name was Larry, nice cat, said he was murdered by the staff for leaving the toilet seat down. Speaking of toilets, I did catch a nasty std from that place, but to be fair I was slamming hookers and licking toilet seats in the bar area. So that might be on me?

    Few of the maids spoke English and all of them were democrats.. Which is worse, I’ll let others decide. When I went to check out the next am, the check out lady said that i could not write a bad review on any site because if I could be charged 500 for a bad review.

    I asked her what she considered a bad review?  She replied basically anything you would say about this place or your stay here.

    I quickly replied this is America you anti free speech jizz stain..

    ======================================================

    I flew from California to stay here for one day and I have to admit…
    This place is doodoo. I’m sure the staff are nice but whoever is running this dildoic ugly building isn’t doing it properly.
    I would never get married here, in fact the leading cause of divorce is marriage, so whoever gets married here is likely to get divorced, and maybe the bride will think back about that one day that was so perfect…
    Her wedding day… At the union whatever this place is called… And remember her thoughts of that day. She’ll just keep thinking and be like damn maybe if this place wasn’t such a shithole I wouldn’t divorce this scrub I’m marrying, 17 months from now, and choose the other wedding venue we didn’t pick. So now her ex husband is in bitter turmoil over what and why went so wrong in the marriage so he blames himself, unbeknownst to him it was the shitty union guesthouses fault! He takes this out on himself, starts abusing hard drugs, and sucking D for cheeseburgers on the street corner in queens New yokee.

    And to think all of this could have been avoided had she just went with the venue Other than the union guest house or whatever this place is called.

    ======================================================

    Well Mary and I stayed here this summer and I’ll tell you I’d rather bunk up with Johnny Boothe.  The story goes like this.  Andrew was getting married this summer and decided on the Union Street Guest House as their venue.  I thought it fitting since we had ridden in our carriage all the way from Illinois non-stop we take a nice warm shower and rid ourselves of this awful stench.  I took to the shower and noticed the water had a peculiar taste to it, as if it were pumped from Toledo directly to this very shower.  The stench was worse than my horses in the room.  I joked with Mary that they should have named this the Onion Street Guest House and we had a great laugh.  Well after four score hours we decided to have dinner in the trough of a restaurant.  The food was over salted and dry.  As if I wanted more cured pork and rancid meat, we ate plenty of that on the ride in.  We took to the street and located a McDonalds and upgraded to the large size fries, Mary’s favorite.  

    Overall the place was charming but the owners were jerks.  They told us they would fine us for speaking truthfully about their terrible hotel.  Well I am Abe and I am honest so I tell you facts in all sincerity.

    ======================================================

    I’m giving it 5 stars, only because I like that is says Woohoo. I love saying that.

    I’ve never been here, but I had a dream about it once. And my dreams are so vivid, I thought I could include it.

    I arrived late and was very tired. But Ricardo Montalbon made things right as he checked me in and offered me a banana. I accepted, but before I could peel it, he said, “You look tired, let me help you with that.” He blanched the banana, peeled it and offered to slice it with the banana slicer. amzn.to/1ougCwI I told him I didn’t want to be a bother, but he insisted it was fast and much simpler than a knife. It took a while before he found a banana curved the right way, but eventually he did and it was delicious. I gave him back the chicken he asked me to hold.

    Ricardo also said he was upgrading me to a bed made of “Soft Corinthian Leather.” I told him I never slept on a leather bed and he assured me it was a decadent delight. The room itself was filled with hip period pieces you would find in a design magazine, but still were comfortable. The leather bed was a testament to that.

    The next morning I awoke but my leather bed was actually a Chrysler Cordova and I was outside freezing wearing leisure suit pajamas. I don’t think that part really happens at the hotel, but if it does, I might lower my rating to 4 stars.

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    After reading the reviews of the Union Street Guest House, I had to go see it for myself. I got in my car and made the drive to Hudson, NY. People on Yelp are right on. This place is a terrible dump. I know Yelp can often have reviews that are either love it or hate it, but my personal experience is that you should hate this place. 1) It is completely crumbling. They try to pass it off as vintage or steampunk, but really it is just old and decrepit. I suppose they have to pass an inspection, but I am at a loss as to how they are able to do that. 2) They have a mean attitude towards guests, in my experience. 3) They seem to ask way too many questions, which really made me feel like they might try and steal something from me. Do not stay here.

    ======================================================

    I was finally on leave and just got back in town. I heard from a few friends of mine about the place that could satisfy a young man looking for a little bit of touch.

    I took what little Uncle Sam left me with and grabbed a cab. I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie ‘Yo homes smell ya later’.

    I walk into the place and it’s decorated like Germany during WW2. Hitler posters everywhere. “Vertrauen nicht juden” written on a banner above the front desk.

    The bell hop throws his hand out in a forward salute and clicks his heels. I ask for the women and he presses a little buzzer under the desk. They bring out women in chains. I felt like I was probably in the wrong place. The clerk then tells me, “ANYTHING YOU WANT! NO CHARGE, MEIN FUROR”.

    I know, I was confused too.

    Anyway, long story short. It turns out I was Adolf Hitler and they were pretty stoked to see me walk in. I also ended up with VD from some of those women. All in all my stay wasn’t too bad, but I gave them 1 star because they used powered egg instead of the real thing. Savages.

    ======================================================

    My fiancé and I made the huge mistake of staying here one year ago. What a horrific nightmare.  There was a family reunion of those Romanical Gypsies that appear on TV!!!! What a disgusting time.  First off the level of noise was unbearable.  They all behave like caged animals let free!  They all have sex with one another and don’t shut doors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The freakazoid owner manager thinks he runs a five star hotel! I think the owner has sex with animals he keeps in the back property.

    ======================================================

    Did not realize we were in France in 1815…….

    Thenardier

    But lock up your valises
    Jesus! Won’t I skin you to the bone!

    Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
    Mix it in a mincer and pretend it’s beef
    Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
    Filling up the sausages with this and that
    Residents are more than welcome
    Bridal suite is occupied
    Reasonable charges
    Plus some little extras on the side!

    Charge ‘em for the lice, extra for the mice
    Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
    Here a little slice, there a little cut
    Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
    When it comes to fixing prices
    There are a lot of tricks he knows
    How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
    Jesus! It’s amazing how it grows!

    ======================================================

    I was here last week for the wedding of my friend, the Right Honourable Sir Tommy Meeks, V.C., of the British Army. It is unfortunate that I must mention that the experience that this hotel provided was nowhere as Right, nor Honourable, as my associate who had his event here.

    As somebody who served in the Great War and accumulated over twenty eight kills without hardscoping even once I have been trained to recognize fascists when I see them and I can safely remark that the prices here were literally Hitler. I don’t think I’ve ever seen $500 disappear off me this quickly since the time I was stripped down and robbed by members of the First SS Division Liebstandarte who ambushed my division.

    The food also sucked. The chicken provided for the wedding was half raw and the last thing I remember doing before keeling over on the floor from salmonella was clutching my ballsack and screaming for a medic.

    I would not go back to this place and it is highly recommended that you do the same.

    ======================================================

    Ugh I’m actually super upset. Me and some friends were recommended this place by one of my friends’ relatives. We were in New York for a convention for our club, and we got to this place expecting a really cool vintage experience. ANYTHING BUT. Bathroom reeked, mold growing on the inner walls of the bathtub, and the toilet had brown crap all over the inside. WHO CLEANS THIS PLACE??? The room was overly cold, smelled like pot (we were told by a staff member they never say anything to stop it) and the bed had yellow crusty stains on the sheets. Even worse, we went to the front desk and they barely believed us, said they would send someone up to check it out as soon as possible and no one showed until the next morning! I don’t know what’s vintage about moldy walls, yellow stained sheets, or weed smell but damn, were we hella pissed off.

    ======================================================

    They’re offering 10% discounts if you mention their apology on Facebook. I thought to myself “wow a whole 10% off! What a steal!!” It would be like going to prison and only getting gang raped by 8 guys instead of 12.

    ======================================================

    It was a good hotel up until the point they sent a gang of midget banditos to strong arm 505$ From me. The extra 5$ was the midget surcharge.

    ======================================================

    For my birthday this year I decided to treat myself by staying at this hotel.

    I am a pretty frugal fellow but I thought: “Heck, why not!  You only live once!”

    From the get go I regretted my decision.

    The owner happened to be around when I arrived.  I greeted him with a hearty: “Hello! How are you?”  I was met by a pair of dead eyes and a droll expression.  He was eating a banana and kept chewing it very loudly and swallowing very loudly, the whole entire time looking at me directly in the eye.

    I thought perhaps he might be hearing impaired (I was raised by two deaf parents) and so I signed: “Is everything ok?” and he simply smirked, and walked out of the lobby.

    I was puzzled but went about my business checking in.  I then heard a shrill laugh followed by a stream of cursing.  The owner was on his cell phone and I heard him shout: “it’s a free f$$king country…tell that bi$$h to stay at a motel 6 for all I care…better yet tell her to get married in Nyack!”  His shrill laugh caused the hair on my arm to go up.  He then walked back into the lobby and I made a comment about the weather and how I thought it would rain.  The owner looked at me, without blinking and said: “Buh-bye.”  I was very uncomfortable and took my key and went to my room.

    Upon walking in I was overwhelmed by the musty odor.  It smelled like a 25 year old tent that has been stored in a backyard shack inhabited by frogs.  There were no sheets on the bed and what appeared to be a collection of toe nails and finger nails on the nightstand.  I went to the bathroom to look for a towel to clean up the mess and discovered the toilet was filled with a diaper and was about to overflow.

    I found a towel that looked as if it had been woven in 1845 because it was so ratty.  

    I picked up the phone to call the front desk and grabbed a handful of what I think was vaseline.  That was it.  I grabbed my luggage and high tailed it out of there.  I saw the owner on street outside and he was crying on the street while eating a black and white cookie…munching between tears.  I noped the heck out of there.

    I was charged $500.00 to my visa card for “early check out” and I am still fighting the charge.  Somehow the owner got my e-mail and keeps e-mailing me discount coupons for a theme park in Florida.  

    I highly recommend staying ANYWHERE but HERE!

    ======================================================

    I rented one of the more expensive suites, walked into the bathroom and there was a turd in the toilet! When I complained to the innkeepers they said it was probably left by a careless maid. I understand that h20 conservation is important in a liberal city like Hudson, but really! Have you ever heard of such a thing? I did flush immediately to rid myself of the remnant, but I generally do expect a bit more service when spending precious time and money in the beautiful Hudson Valley. All it takes is one shote to ruin my memory forever.

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